President Trump, Rush in the Troops -- Not to Portland, but to Kristof Farms

Portland is doing fine, but in Yamhill we can use troops to handle the menace of domestic terrorists in our apple orchard and vineyard.

(Photo: Kristof Farms Chief Security Officer Connie tries to reassure Nick that she has domestic terrorists under control and that we don’t need federal troops. But we fear that Connie needs federal assistance.)

President Trump announced today that he is dispatching federal troops “to protect war-ravaged Portland” from what he called “domestic terrorists.”

We’d like to apply to have those troops come and help suppress the domestic terrorist problem we have here on Kristof Farms. Certainly our terrorism problem here in Yamhill is rather more urgent than in what Trump claimed was the “hell” of Portland.

It’s true that Portland has had a problem with domestic terrorists: At least five people from the area participated in the violent Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol to overturn the democratic election of President Joe Biden. All five were pardoned by President Trump, so we Oregonians are indeed concerned about having domestic terrorists among us.

But Portland as “hell”? Does anyone think hell has restaurants this good? Does hell serve local Pinot Noir this delectable? Does hell have such easy access to Mount Hood in one direction and Pacific beaches in the other?

Meanwhile, on Kristof Farms, we do have a hell of a challenge from domestic terrorists, despite the best efforts of Chief Security Officer Connie Kuvasz Kristof. These terrorists are gophers and ground squirrels, not to mention the deer that like to mock our “impregnable deer fence.”

(Photo: Connie on the case, protecting Sheryl from gophers and other domestic terrorists in the Pinot Noir vineyard)

So we call on President Trump to reassign his federal troops from Portland to Kristof Farms, where we will direct them to chase gophers, ground squirrels and deer. We just hope the troops will treat our animals with a measure of respect, and not display the brutality that ICE officers have sometimes shown to immigrants.

(Photo: A domestic terrorist caught red-handed on our wildlife camera. We call on troops to treat them more humanely than ICE treats humans.)

And if the troops have time, we’d also invite them to paint the barn, cut blackberries and thistles, and smooth the ruts in our driveway. The ruts are a priority this week because we’ve decided to hold a cider/wine tasting and farm tour here on Saturday, Oct. 4, at 1pm and 2:45pm.

You and the troops alike are welcome to attend the tasting/tour. Nick and Sheryl lead the tastings and tours, which always include a good discussion of the wine/cider and of the farm as well as of larger issues — and on Oct. 4 that will surely include some back-and-forth about the dispatch of troops. The tastings/tours are $50 per person, which includes the ciders, wines and snacks, and is also applied to any purchase of six or more bottles or to a new membership in the Kristof Farms wine club or cider club. Reserve early by emailing info@kristoffarms.com, and if we run out of spaces, priority will go to members of the wine club or cider club.

Any questions? Email info@kristoffarms.com. We can tell you about the tastings/tours, but we’re not as good at predicting troop deployments.

(Photo: Connie joining a farm tasting/tour)