Pssst. Don’t Tell the Trump Administration About This
Breaking: Grapes at Kristof Farms Demand Civil Rights. In other news, we’re opening the farm gates again, just in time for harvest. Coincidence?
Not all conversations on the farm involve people. Sometimes they’re with grapes. We sat down—figuratively—with one of our vines for a chat about identity, politics, and why bees may not be quite as essential as we think. Last time, it was Peter Pinot. This time our “vine of the month” is Charlie Chardonnay.
Q: Hi, Charlie, congrats on being vine of the month, but we’re a little confused by your name. That’s traditionally a boy’s name, but…
A: Shhhhhhh. Not so loud. It’s risky these days. The feds aren’t exactly LGBT-friendly. Who knows what they’ll do to me.
Q: You mean because you’re hermaphroditic?
A: We grapes prefer the term “bi.” But, yes, we have boy parts and girl parts, and that’s why we’re self-pollinating. But if Washington finds out, they’ll say Kristof Farms is running a deep-state pollination plot. They might come uproot me.
Q: Oh, Charlie, we won’t let them. We stand with grapes of all kinds. And anyway, President Trump doesn’t subscribe to this newsletter.
A: Just as well. He and his aides wouldn’t like the self-pollinating part either. They’d think we’re all queer masturbators in the vineyard. But honestly? This is just how God made us. And thank goodness, because bees are disappearing. At least we Chardonnay grapes can take care of ourselves.
Q: So, Charlie, harvest time soon?
A: Yup. My grapes are sweet and juicy, and they’ll make terrific wine. Just like Wine Spectator said.
Q: Wait—you read Wine Spectator?
A: Not the print version, dummy. We vines have Wi-Fi. But the Spectator had a great piece saying Willamette Valley Chardonnays are now among the best in the world. And then they listed what they called “eight outstanding Oregon Chardonnays” —and you know who was No. 1 on their list? Let’s just say we’re not naming names, but… it rhymes with Bristof.
Q: We weren’t going to mention that. We didn’t want to toot our own horn.
A: That’s okay, we vines don’t mind tooting. Especially when it’s true, and we vines were proud of that. And Yamhill-Carlton vineyards did very well in general.
Q: What makes Oregon Chards so special?
A: Nothing against California—I was born in a nursery there. They make some superb Chards. But some producers mass-produce third-rate juice, then cover it up with oak chips and heavy butter notes. Some consumers might think Chardonnay is supposed to taste like movie-theater popcorn. Frankly, we Oregon vines are embarrassed. We tried to draft a class-action lawsuit, but none of us could hold a pen.
Q: But Kristof wines also age in oak barrels…
A: Sure, but we use larger, mostly older barrels. That means less oak flavor and more balance—closer to my ancestors in Burgundy. Think “subtle elegance,” not “butter bomb.”
Q: Thanks for the time, Charlie. And have a great harvest.
A: Anytime. And if you see men in suits with hoes asking for me, just tell them I’ve already been bottled. If they don’t buy that, tell them I’ve moved to Canada—it’s cooler up there anyway.
We opened up the farm to visitors last Sunday for a wine and cider tasting (this photo was posted on Instagram by one visitor), and we couldn’t accommodate all the people who signed up. So we’ve decided to add a couple of our “Pinot & Perspective” open-house sessions on Saturday, Sept. 20 at 1 p.m. and at 2:45 p.m.
This is the heart of harvest season, and it’s possible the grapes will be harvested that very morning, along with some of the apples. You’ll still see some grapes on the vines, and you’ll be able to see and taste Pinot Noir grapes at their sweetest and most delectable. We’ll start with a cider and wine tasting, talk about the farm and our farming practices, and then take a walk around the vineyard, answering questions as we go. The questions typically range from organic practices to deportations of farm workers to Gaza and Ukraine; we’re open to whatever’s on your mind.
As always, the cost of the tasting is $50 per person, which includes the wine, cider and snacks; the sum is also applicable to a purchase of a half-case or more of wine or cider. You have to book ahead of time by emailing info@kristoffarms.com and saying how many spots you’re reserving and for which time. Please book early, as some people who couldn’t get in last weekend’s session are already signed up for Sept 20. Preference goes to members of our cider club and wine club.
We’re ramping up our outreach to restaurants and bottle shops in the Pacific Northwest, so if you have one then please email us at info@kristoffarms.com and we’ll send someone by with samples of cider and wine. And indeed, don’t forget the cider: Fall is a perfect time for a high-quality crisp hard cider. And we have kegs as well as bottles.
And remember that while we only occasionally open up Kristof Farms to visitors for tours, we’re part of the Carlton Winemakers Studio in Carlton, Oregon, and it has a tasting room open seven days a week, 11am-5pm, where you can try our wines and other delicious wines as well. Nick George, the hospitality director, can offer great advice. And in Portland, some of our ciders are available on tap at the fabulous tap room of Bauman’s on Oak. We’re very lucky to have Christine Bauman, probably America’s top cider maker, producing our cider along with hers.
Just one quick shot from our wildlife cameras, of a deer eager to pillage our grapes:
So as we get ready for the harvest, warm wishes from all of us at Kristof Farms — including the deer and Charlie Chardonnay. And if you want to come on Sept 20 to see us and meet Charlie, reserve soon at info@KristofFarms.com
Thanks, Nick! This delightfully humorous newsletter brightened my evening. Loved it and laughed lots!
So clever! Thanks for the uplifting read.